Mankato, make way for Favre

It seems inevitable now. The rumors are persistent, the skids are greased. So in the interest of preparing fans for the circus to come, here’s a crystal ball prediction of what we can expect during the coming NFL football campaign after Green Bay Packer great Brett Favre declares himself to be a Minnesota Viking:

July 6 — Favre’s decision to join the team is broken by accident, when the NFL star’s rumored purchase of a Twin Cities home is confirmed by a Sports Illustrated intern who had staked out elite neighborhoods since June 14. “I’m just buying the house to be closer to all the great hunting and fishing spots in this great northern state,” the future Hall of Famer explains at first. But when Vikings head coach Brad Childress is spotted emerging from the master bedroom in a bathrobe, the secret’s out.

July 7 — Two hundred Packer fans show up at Minnesota Vikings headquarters sporting protest signs with the messages “Traitor” and “Overrated.” Former Vikings great Fran Tarkenton is spotted in the crowd.

July 30 — On the first day of training camp at Minnesota State University in Mankato, Gov. Tim Pawlenty calls out the National Guard to control burgeoning crowds. Overnight, Mankato’s population triples. Complaints flow into City Hall, but not from homeowners charging $600 a day to national media organizations for basement lodging.

Aug. 4 — Not even a week into training camp, the crush of fans and media to Mankato is so severe that major Mankato arteries to the MSU practice facility are blocked off to non-camp traffic. Special passes are required to use the routes. Price: $340 per vehicle.

Aug. 6 — Favre continues to ignore Free Press sports editor Jim Rueda’s attempts for a one-on-one interview, pointing out that only media approved in advance are allowed address him during his stay in Mankato. One of Favre’s five personal bodyguards (dubbed “Men in Black” by spectators) confiscates Rueda’s reporter notebook.

Aug. 12 — It is a busy day of NFL news. Buffalo’s Terrell Owens shows up at practice in a tutu, Indianapolis’ Peyton Manning demands a trade and new 49er Michael Vick is discovered operating a kennel in a San Francisco suburb. None of these events are explored by ESPN, though, as the network devotes all of its half-hour NFL show to a study on Brett Favre’s personal nutrition program.

Aug. 14 — KEYC-TV sports anchor Perry Dyke, caught up in the excitement of Brett Favre in a purple uniform, calls him the best thing that’s happened to the Vikings since Bud Grant. In one five-minute broadcast about Favre, he repeats the phrase “Guess what!” a record 35 times.

Sept. 12 — It is the eve of the Vikings’ regular season opener against the Cleveland Browns, and Childress announces his studied decision to make Brett Favre his official starter at quarterback. “It was an open competition in training camp,” Childress deadpans to head-scratching reporters. Quarterbacks Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels, who were both issued their clipboards the day after Favre joined the team, make no official comment.

Oct. 5 — In the most hotly anticipated game of the season, the Vikings demolish the Packers 34-6. Favre throws three touchdown passes. Professional counselors are flown into Wisconsin from around the country.

Nov. 2 — At the season’s halfway point, immediately following a 31-27 Vikings victory in the rematch with Green Bay, the Purple Gang stands at 6-2. Metrodome attendance is at an all-time high and the price of soft drinks are adjusted $3 higher.

Nov. 23 — Already contemplating the playoffs, the Vikings drop three straight games including one to the winless Detroit Lions. Suddenly, the postseason is in doubt. Insiders suggest Favre may be experiencing pain in his shoulder, but he soldiers on in silence.

Jan. 5 — Postscript: Favre admits to physical ailments and announces he’s really going to retire for good this time (sort of). The Vikings finish 8-8. Childress is fired and John David Booty is named the starter for 2010.

Doug Wolter is night news editor at The Free Press. To contact him, call 507-344-6384 or e-mail at dwolter@mankatofreepress.com .