The Free Press, Mankato, MN

Brian Ojanpa

September 11, 2009

Hey old man, get off my lawn

By Brian Ojanpa

If ever there were five words serving as both a headline and a punch line, here they are:

Hugh Hefner files for divorce

The headline aspect of it reports the fact; the punch line aspect bespeaks the bizarre.

Hugh Hefner got married? Why?

To people under 30, Hefner may merely be that old guy on a TV reality show who lolls around in satiny sleepwear with his three airheaded, blond girlfriends, whose next multisyllable word will be their first.

But to others he is — or was — the iconic essence of all that is cool and hip and sexually libertine.

He also was a cultural iconoclast, pushing for social change, railing against discrimination and speaking out against the war in Vietnam.

All the while swigging his beloved Pepsis and swinging with an endless nest of bunnies.

Hefner was the game-changing kind of guy men envied and wanted to be — even men who didn’t like girls, which gives you some idea of his scope.

He was relevant for his time, but now his relevance has been reduced to cartoonish pap on a cable channel.

The 83-year-old founder of Playboy magazine has evolved into a parody of a parody of himself.

As a younger man, Hefner’s penchant for laying around his well-bimboed bachelor pad in his pajamas was looked upon as way cool.

Now, he just comes across as some geezer with the flu.

In his reality show, one gets the impression that his three live-in girlfriends aren’t so much his harem as his nurses in-waiting.

The show’s new season features three new girlfriends — also blondes; how shocking is that? — two of whom are 19-year-old twins. Nineteen? Hefner has ingrown toenails older than that.

Hefner was married in 1989 to that year’s Playmate of the Year. The couple separated in 1998. Hefner continued to live in the Playboy mansion and his wife moved into a little 7,300-square-foot hut next door that Hefner eventually sold for $18 million.

Hefner filed for divorce so that a judge might finally end the couple’s prenuptial agreement bickering over how much money she’ll accept for getting out of his life once and for all.

He also claims his wife cheated on him when they were married, which may be the ultimate example of the pot calling the kettle black.

Which, of course, brings us back to the question of why a guy like Hefner would get married in the first place, given his philosophic dedication to sowing his wild oats (or these days, his oat bran).

And some think gay men and women are a threat to the sanctity of marriage?

I wish Hefner well in becoming single again in his twilight years, and hope he celebrates his divorce with a trip to Viagara Falls.

That’s an old joke, just like Hefner’s act has become.



Brian Ojanpa is a Free Press staff writer. Call him at 344-6316 or e-mail bojanpa@mankatofreepress.com.

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Brian Ojanpa