The Free Press, Mankato, MN

Brian Ojanpa

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  • Brian Ojanpa

    Brian Ojanpa

February 26, 2010

Weenie idea hard to swallow

The Free Press

MANKATO — The humble hot dog can never catch a break.

Its sodium will buzz your blood ... its fat will clog you ... its nitrates will, um, nitrate you.

And now this:

The American Academy of Pediatrics is calling for a “redesign” of the tube steak, lest it continue its assault against America’s wee ones.

(Obligatory disclaimer: Yes, children have died from choking on hot dogs, not to mention popcorn, grapes, pebbles, beads, car keys and anything else tots can shove down their maws.

That’s life, which sometimes results in death. Prevention through  parental vigilance is paramount, but due diligence will always have its chinks.)

The media have been having some sport with this. A Pittsburgh newspaper sent a reporter to a hot dog diner to gauge reaction to the good doctors’ suggestion.

Predictably, customers hooted and offered suggestions of their own. One said adults requiring a warning label on wieners probably aren’t suitable for parenthood in the first place.

True. Then again, idiocy has never stood in the way of procreation.

It would seem that redesigning the hot dog is a contradiction in terms. Sure, it can be done — and already has been. It’s called baloney.

But thin, flat lunch meat does not a hot dog make. A wiener’s tubular shape is its essence, and parents with functioning brainpans cut them — preferably lengthwise — in small pieces for their kids. It’s not rocket science.

 Our legislators have real work on their plates. Dithering over yet more label legislation of dubious worth needn’t be a part of it.

When is the last time you saw a smoker fleeing a store in fear when their gaze fell upon the warning label on a pack of cigarettes?

Yet the food police rage on. Last year, the vegan group Cancer Project called for hot dogs to carry a label trumpeting their cancer risk.

Vegans complaining about hot dogs is like the Amish complaining about gas prices. 

There are 308 million people in this country. According to the pediatrician group’s own figures, 13 U.S. food-asphyxiation deaths each year are caused by hot dogs.

Yes, even one death is too many. By the same token, if every food that could somehow harm us were outlawed, simplistically labeled or otherwise neutered, our cupboards would be as bare as Mother Hubbard’s.

Which brings us to hot dogs’ even more dangerous threat: Those things can poke your eye out.

A Kansas City man, John Coomer, has filed a lawsuit against the Kansas City Royals, claiming a frankfurter chucked by the team mascot struck him in the left eye at a Sept. 8 game, causing a detached retina and cataracts.

Speaking of hot dog gag reflexes, he’s looking to choke more than $25,000 out of the ballclub. 

  

 Brian Ojanpa is a Free Press staff writer. Call him at 344-6316 or e-mail bojanpa@mankatofreepress.com .

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