You’ve seen those dour news reports trumpeting yet another survey suggesting that American schools aren’t measuring up.

You’ve seen the type of data they dispense: Thirty-eight percent of seventh-graders don’t know why Columbus sailed to America (he reportedly balked at flying coach), and 52 percent of eighth-graders don’t know what the president’s veto is (his Italian chauffeur, of course).

These surveys invariably lead to handwringing about the sorry state of our educational system. From there, it’s a short jump to conclude that:

If a kid can find Madagascar on a map, he’s doomed to the assembly line at Acme Widgets.

If a student can’t identify her state senators, she’d better hope she marries well.

This is a bad rap on kids and their teachers. It’s also unfair.

Truth is, adults will fare as poorly, maybe even worse, on a similar survey. Yet millions of us shockingly ignorant grownups still managed to land day jobs requiring no heavy lifting.

This is in spite of the fact that American adults also are sorely lacking in Fundamental Very Important Knowledge.

Here are some new survey results just in:

Fact: 36 percent of college-educated females don’t know that 19th president Rutherford Hayes’ wife Lucy was the first lady to be called “the first lady.”

Fact: 98 percent of all adults not affiliated with the shoelace industry don’t know what those plastic ends on shoelaces are called. (They’re aglets.)

Fact: 92 percent of real estate agents don’t know the United States bought Alaska from the Soviet Union for $7.2 million, or about 2 cents an acre.

Fact: 67 percent of auto company executives don’t know that in 1905 the Bosco Company of Akron, Ohio, marketed a “collapsible Rubber Automobile Driver,” a dummy intended to scare away thieves when the car was parked.

Fact: 58 percent of physicians don’t know 14th century “cures” for the Black Plague included drinking goat urine and applying the intestines of a newborn puppy to the forehead.

Fact: 97 percent of all adults don’t know the name for that indentation between one’s nose and upper lip. (It’s called the philtrum.)

Fact: 80 percent of reality TV producers don’t know the Roman emperor Commodos gathered all the dwarves and deformed people he could find and ordered them to fight to the death with meat cleavers.

Fact: 79 percent of baby boomers don’t know the name of “Puff, The Magic Dragon’s” human friend in the Peter, Paul and Mary song. (It’s Jackie Paper.)

Fact: 59 percent of Lutheran pastors don’t know the type of wood supposedly used to build Noah’s Ark. (It was gopher wood — Genesis 6:14.)

Fact: 65 percent of Vikings fans don’t know that 95 percent of ongoing reports about Brett Favre are fashioned from moonbeams, wet dreams and what someone’s cousin might have said.

Fact: 100 percent of me knows this is enough of this nonsense.



Brian Ojanpa is a Free Press staff writer. Call him at 344-6316 or e-mail bojanpa@mankatofreepress.com .