The Free Press, Mankato, MN

Brian Ojanpa

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December 4, 2009

Woods’ ‘mystery’ isn’t mysterious at all

As surely as the sun sets in the West, psychologists are summoned for sound bites whenever a high-profile celebrity is caught with his pants down.

You can almost set your watch by it: hard news of the infidelity the first day, punditry from the lawyer/public relations cartel the second day, psychobabble from the mental health set on day three.

You gotta love these talking heads who have been ruminating on the reasons why Tiger Woods cheated:

It’s compensatory behavior for an emotional void, one says.

It’s an attempt to deal with a lack of interpersonal coping skills at home, another opines.

It’s a temporary fix for the self-doubt instilled in him by a father he found hard to please, drones another.

And this bit of insight from psychologist Paul Schienberg who — surprise, surprise — just happens to be the author of a self-help book for folks in troubled marriages:

“There’s definitely another Tiger Woods inside the Tiger Woods who we see.”

Well butter my bread and slap me silly. That’s just so profound.

Here’s a hope: Next time someone rich and famous falls off the fidelity wagon, let’s ask real people to chime in instead of Ph.D.s with books to sell.

Men cheat because they can and because it’s fun. There you have it. That’s not to excuse the behavior but simply to explain it.

There is a direct correlation between marital infidelity and being the possessor of male genitalia, and cheating is primarily governed by access and opportunity.

Comedian Chris Rock sagely observes that men are only as faithful as their options.

Look at Tiger Woods’ options. Now look at yours. There you go.

Some people wonder how a man can step out on a wife who looks like Woods’. She’s a 10. Or, as Jay Leno said, she’s a 19. That’s a 10 with a 9-iron.

Men are the animal kingdom’s masters at separating marital love from primal lust with that cocktail waitress over there.

And when they get caught at it, hide the fire hydrants if the wife involved is less than understanding.

I ran these opinions on cheating by my wife, and she agreed with me that men will rut with a fencepost if it suits their fancy.

I then tried to drive home my point about male marital infidelity.

“Let’s say my favorite meal is filet mignon. I love filet mignon, but do I want it every night?”

“What are you trying to tell me?” she said.

Nothing. Nothing at all, Honey. I’m out of options.



Brian Ojanpa is a Free Press staff writer. Call him at 344-6316 or e-mail bojanpa@mankatofreepress.com.

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