The Free Press, Mankato, MN

Brian Ojanpa

January 1, 2010

You get Rapture, we get Rover — deal?

By Brian Ojanpa

God-fearing folks and atheists have always made strange bedfellows.

But bring Fido and Tabby into the picture and wondrous bonding can occur — all for the low, low price of $110.

If you believe the sales pitch — and the non-believers at Eternal Earth-Bound Pets are banking that many will — that $110 will guarantee a person’s beloved pet is cared for when the Rapture comes calling.

Depending on which poll you consult, between 40 percent and 59 percent of Americans believe in the notion of the Rapture. Hence, this business model has plenty of potential, and it works like this:

Animal-loving atheists, left behind when Christ returns to Earth unannounced to whisk believers into heaven, will adopt those people’s pets, which also will be left behind because pets, apparently, aren’t allowed on the Rapture’s sky train.

Reading up on the Rapture and how it’s supposed to work gets complicated real fast, but essentially it’s a belief held by certain Christian denominations that involves Christ’s earthly comeback, accompanied by a beam-me-up-Scotty enmasse exodus to heaven for those with Rapture cred.

According to the Eternal Earth-Bound Pets Web site, people taken heavenward will have their pets adopted and cared for by bona fide atheists, provided the Rapture occurs within 10 years of payment.

The fee is non-refundable, meaning that should the Rapture take place 12 years out, or should fee-payers themselves become Rapture-ineligible (i.e. atheists), they’re simply out 110 bucks.

And if Mittens goes to that big cat heaven in the sky five years after the fee is paid? Tough kitty. You won’t get your money back.

But I’m guessing that none of these caveats will stop a certain segment of pet owners from ponying up for Post-Rapture Pet Care.

This is all legal, of course. What’s someone going to do? Sue the atheists on the grounds that they’re running a scam because the Second Coming is hooey? Good luck with that.

Somewhere, Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Oral Roberts and all those other TV evangelists who trawled for dollars are eating their hearts out over missed opportunity.

Pets. Dang, they’re saying. Why didn’t we think of that?



Brian Ojanpa is a Free Press staff writer. Call him at 344-6316 or e-mail bojanpa@mankatofreepress.com.

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