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John Cross

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March 24, 2008

Today’s turkey hunting a bit more risqué

With the wild turkey hunting season very nearly upon us, I was perusing one of my spring outdoor catalogs the other day.

After all, as any turkey hunter knows, there is a reason a turkey hunting vest has so many pockets — they are holes in which to pour money into.

There were the usual calls, the latest in camouflage, the latest and greatest in gadgets, and of course, decoys.

Now, if we were to apply a television rating to spring turkey hunting, it would have to be MA for mature audiences; the point is to lure a gobbler into gun range by appealing to his most basic instinct — to breed.

The hen decoys I have used for years are referred to as “ready hens.” I’m no expert on turkey body language but presumably, that means they are posed in the position of a hen interested in a little action — the wild turkey’s equivalent of a serious flirt.

In recent years, the full strut gobblers decoys have been the latest thing, presumably appealing to the jealous side of a tom turkey’s nature during the mating season.

While the whole spring experience revolves around breeding, most of us have approached the hunt not unlike television writers did for Rob and Laura Petrie in the old Dick Van Dyke show of the 1960s — same bedroom but twin beds, suggesting that the couple found their son, Richie, beneath a cabbage leaf.

Today’s television writers don’t bother to beat around the bush about such things, sometimes making it a bit embarrassing to watch with the family.

Likewise, there is no mere suggestion anymore of what goes on in the spring woods between consenting turkeys, if some of the turkey decoys I found in my catalogs are any indication.

Now we can buy a pair of the decoys that, how shall I say this, can be positioned flagrante delicto?

Presumably, some tom turkeys have a voyeuristic streak and are inclined to strut over to view a bit of poultry porn; it wouldn’t be the first time a male got into trouble over such things.

If such X-rated decoys tip the odds in favor of the pleasant chore of hauling a long-bearded gobbler out of the woods ... who’s to argue with success?

But all of this reminds me of a story a friend told me about a turkey hunting trip several years ago.

Seems a couple of guys he knew were turkey hunting in the woods and one decided to play a practical joke on the other as the last few minutes of legal shooting time wound down.

After sneaking to the edge of the clearing where he believed his friend was hunting, he sprinted out to where the hen decoy was positioned.

He pounced on the turkey decoy and...well, he proceeded to go through the motions of what a tom turkey does to a hen turkey during the breeding season.

He glanced over, grinning at the surprised hunter, camouflaged and sitting at the base of the tree.

The other hunter, a complete stranger, pulled down his face mask.

“Mister, I’ll tell you what,” he said. “I won’t tell if you won’t.”

What happens in the turkey woods, stays in the turkey woods.



John Cross is a Free Press staff writer. Contact him at 344-6376 or be e-mail at jcross@mankatofreepress.com.

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John Cross