'Eyesore' inspectors have their work cut out

Tim Krohn

I just want to be up front with my city leaders in North Mankato.

I’m likely to run rampantly afoul of the law.

The City Council recently passed an ordinance cracking down on eyesores, including big billboards, junk cars and extensive landscaping projects.

Under the ordinance, residents must get a building permit and present a site plan drawing if they do landscaping costing more than $300.

And if they leave an old car parked on the street for a few weeks, they may be asked to prove it isn’t a junker by driving it at least 500 feet.

I walked around my lower North yard this week, looking for ways I have potentially violated the law.

The house, itself, could be an eyesore problem. The paint’s not looking too good. And those cracks in the shingles I covered with black tar last summer didn’t quite blend in as I’d hoped. The roof looks like birds circled and deposited tar-droppings all over.

The 1992 black Nissan with 225,000 miles on it, parked in the street, is NOT a junker. It’s my son’s car. Yes, it may look a little rough. The hub caps all fell off, the back window is propped shut with a piece of 2-by-4, and there’s a lot of rust and dents.

And just a little warning to the police officer or city inspector who asks my son to drive the car 500 feet: He’s still a little shaky with the parallel parking and, well, driving in general, so if I were you, I’d stand a ways back while you’re verifying if it moves.

I walked around to the side of the garage and found what could, if you want to get picky, be called more eyesores. There’s the shell of an old Toro riding mower that blew up last summer. And an old sauna heater we might do something with some day. There’s some old plastic garden edging, cement blocks, lumber.

Oh, and there’s the decaying deer head. It’s a nice eight-pointer. I’m going to mount the rack sometime.

(I’m beginning to understand why the neighborhood kids call me Mr. Clampett. I thought they were just confusing my name, but I think it might be something else.)

I’m going to be in a lot of trouble come spring. I always have a need to do landscaping, and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to get a permit for every $300 job.

Heck, I kill more than $300 worth of new nursery plants every summer.

I got tired of dead grass under the big maple and basswood trees in the front yard and last year covered it all with wood chips and put in some split-rail fencing. Way over $300.

I gave my wife a nice copper-roofed bird feeder that hangs in the front yard with several others — I’m pretty sure they’re over $300 together.

There’s a large pond with gold fish in the back yard. I’m not sure how much it would have cost when I put it in a few years ago, but, as is the way hobbies go, I’ve spent thousands on it since.

I suppose I could get a building permit when I do my projects. But it’s hard to draw up a site plan. I kind of like just tearing into an area and see what happens. And I’ll warn you, Mr. Inspector, if you make me draw up a plan, my wife’s going to make me change it about a dozen times while the project’s moving ahead, so you can deal with her.

I was going to turn my attention to my boulevard this spring, but I see the city won’t let you do anything there except grass, a few flowers or a little mulch around trees.

My boulevard looks like that black and white video you see of Neil Armstrong jumping along the moon surface, stirring up dust. I’ve planted grass four times, but it won’t take.

They’re not going to let me blacktop it. I’ll have to check if Astro Turf counts as grass. I think I can find some for under $300.

So, I expect the city inspectors will be nosing around this summer. If you do, you could help out by hauling away the old lawnmower and lumber.

But leave the deer head alone. It’s a beauty.

Tim Krohn is a Free Press staff writer. He can be contacted at 344-6383 or tkrohn@mankatofreepress.com.