New Ulm — Experiencing the loss of a loved one is always difficult, but experiencing the death of a child can be devastating to a family on many levels — spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally and socially.

For 25 years, Compassionate Friends, South Central Minnesota Chapter, in New Ulm, has been offering support and hope for parents or anyone who has experienced the death of a loved one and needs help in dealing with the grief associated with the loss.

The New Ulm group celebrated its 25th anniversary last week in New Ulm with another support group meeting that ended in a balloon release.

The group began when Darlene Nelson of Hanska and Barb Netzke of the New Ulm area, with the help of Registered Nurse and Public Health Nurse Kathy Goodall got together to hold the first meeting for 21 people in New Ulm who were bereaved parents.

Nelson, a semi-retired LPN at the New Ulm Medical Center, and her family, her husband Clint and their son David experienced the death of their 20-year-old son, Mike, from a hunting-drowning accident while duck hunting in Linden Slough near Hanska. Less than a year later, Nelson helped form The Compassionate Friends group with the purpose to support other parents who were experiencing a similar loss.

Before parents hear of The Compassionate Friends they feel like they are alone and that they have no support to deal with the grief they are feeling, Nelson said. Parents often also feel there is little or no hope for the future.

“...The feelings you feel are so strong and so overwhelming and so strange, that you really do have the ‘Going Crazy Syndrome’ and think, you know, ‘Am I losing it?,’” said Nelson, “You don’t dare to tell anybody some of the things you’re thinking for fear that they’ll know for sure you are ...and then when you get together with a group of people and start talking about things that somebody’s brave enough to say, ‘Well, this is bad, but this is what I was thinking...’ you see the heads around the table nodding and agreeing or a little smile... and you know, okay, I wasn’t the only one.”

We live in a very “instant” society where everyone wants and expects answers instantly, Nelson said, and sometimes those answers don’t come right away or even at all. People who are grieving the death of a child need the patience of family and friends and they need people to realize that there is no certain time frame when their grief will end.

“It’s not something you treat like a strep throat or a headache with your income tax and it’s done and over... it’s always with you,” said Nelson.

Judy Kastman of New Ulm, patient care manager in the dialysis department at the New Ulm Medical Center, and the leader of the group since 1996, and her husband Lee and their two children Lee-Ann and Scott experienced the death of their 20-year-old daughter, Laura, in a car accident when she was returning to college in St. Cloud during her junior year.

“Sometimes you are sitting with people and you don’t know their child died,” said Kastman, “...maybe it was a baby, maybe it was a miscarriage, maybe it was an older child, people who are in their 70’s or 80’s and their child dies - that’s still their child. Lots of people don’t understand that just a pat or just a hug or just a card... just some kind of recognition...the human touch... it helped.”

Bereaved parents are contacted by the group by phone if the leaders of the group have read or have heard about their loss. Bereaved parents may also be contacted by letter or note and they will be sent information by The Compassionate Friends, according to Kastman.

“Some people don’t choose to come to the meetings...they don’t want to share with anybody else,” said Kastman, “And some people want to come and get more information so, our newsletter is very helpful because it has information that can apply to you now or next year... you never know what is going to help someone.”

The group also receives referrals from professionals in the community such as funeral directors, psychiatrists, psychologists and religious leaders.

Although it is hard to estimate exactly how many members are involved in Compassionate Friends because attendance at every monthly meeting varies, there are about 370 newsletters sent out to families in the South Central Minnesota Chapter as well as to members of other chapters and other professionals.

Everything said by the members of the group at the meetings is said in confidence and nothing will be shared outside of the group.

Reading books and journaling feelings have also been helpful during the “grief work” by some of the members, according to Nelson.

The group has a good number of books on dealing with the death of a loved one and living with grief and loss that are made available to anyone who attends the group. A person may also contact Kastman or Nelson to borrow materials or to receive the newsletter if they are unable to attend monthly meetings.

The original group of The Compassionate Friends began back in England in 1969 when a young chaplain brought two sets of grieving parents together in a hospital setting. Now The Compassionate Friends, which is known as a non-profit organization, is located in 29 countries worldwide and there are nearly 600 chapters nationwide.